#but everything hurts and I am not ok ono

[gonemechaniic]

trying to do things but ngl I'm gonna be very touch and go over all of my blogs cause hahaha ... I'm sick :| Don't really know with what, I'm heading to urgent care in a few, but I've been coasting around this cold/flu/whatever thing since the 7th of Aug, I wanna say. I first I thought it was just a sore throat from screaming my head off all day at Universal; took some cough meds, had some teas and theraflu, blew out all the icky out my nose, everything was going good. But now?? Now we're in the sudden body aches, possible fever and headache goodness. Sooooo I'm not doing to great atm X3

I'm mostly vibing with smaller things to soothe my soul but tbh, it's heckin rough going ._.

[sgt-revolver]

ULTIMATE Beatlemaniac Tag!

I was tagged by @ourladylennon and @johns-prince to complete this questionnaire. Thanks for the tags, I honestly really enjoyed answering these questions.

How long have you been a fan?: I’ve been a fan for as long as I can remember. I always loved hearing their music on the radio and my music teacher was a fan, so he’d regularly play their music in his lessons and on one occasion I saw like the first 30 minutes of A Hard Day’s Night. I think I only got as far as the scene with John in the bath before he turned it off. But it’s only been during the last 2 and a half years that I’ve listened to them more often, and I’ve finally listened to all the albums all the way through. Now I’m a huge fan and can’t live without their music.

Favorite Beatle: John. It’s always been John for me, even back when I was a kid he was my favourite.

Favorite era for music: I’ll always have a soft spot for their early-mid era music, around 64-66 is my absolute favourite.

Favorite era for lewks: Teddy boy and the whole of 1966 for me. They simply looked so fucking cool around those two eras. The teddy boy era was just hot with all the leather they wore and how they tried to make themselves look ‘tough’, and during 1966 that entire year seemed to be a huge transitional period which mixed with their earlier career and how they looked later on.

Favorite song: This changes, and I do not have only one favourite song. I’ll always love Strawberry Fields Forever, it is always up there as one of my favourites. Same with I am the Walrus. I also love If I Fell, Nowhere Man, In My Life, I’m Only Sleeping and Something. There’s more but this answer will be too long if I keep going.

Favorite album: Revolver, no question. My username is based off it too.

Unpopular/Controversial Beatles opinion: Not necessarily unpopular but I really don’t like Yoko Ono as a person. I wish she didn’t try to make herself part of the band, it’s actually really infuriating. I don’t like to talk about this sort of thing so I’ll leave it at that.

A song everyone loves but you dislike: Ok I don’t necessarily dislike these songs, but I think Hey Jude and Let it Be are overrated.

A song everyone dislikes but you love: Run for your Life, Blue Jay Way and Revolution 9. I’m not really sure why Blue Jay Way isn’t well liked its underrated imo.

Your fantasy involving The Beatles: Seeing them live in concert, before they become big and go to America, preferably in Hamburg or at the Cavern Club. It must have been amazing to be able to be where they started out before Beatlemania, the atmosphere omg yes please. After the show I’d try to do anything I can to meet them, but I suspect I’d end up being so starstruck it would be painfully awkward, but it would be so worth it.

Tell us about the moment you knew you were a fan: There is no one moment I knew I was a fan, but I guess I realised I was a big fan when I listened to their albums all the way through, and I enjoyed them. There’s also the time when I watched the Eight Days a Week documentary and I couldn’t help but love them so much.

Did you ever have a genuine ‘The Beatles suck!’ phase before becoming a fan?: Nearly. This was after I became a fan but a long time ago, I kept hearing constantly how they’re not that good from people I know irl and it almost got ingrained in me for no reason at all. I’m glad I didn’t have that phase, otherwise I would be beating myself up for it now.

Favorite Beatles book: I haven’t read any yet, but I really want to and I’m not sure where to buy any (I’m a bit iffy about buying off Amazon)

Thoughts on the old generation of fans: They can be a bit full of themselves, but I like hearing their stories and their preferences on their favourite albums. Most of the older generation of fans I personally know seem to love John and hate Paul, so I automatically think they’re all the same but I know that’s not true.

If Hollywood were to make a high budget Beatles biopic, what is one thing you desperately hope they include?: I’m personally unsure if I want a Beatles biopic as I know they’ll mess everything up but I want them to include the strong bonds formed with each other and that they never actually hated each other.

Do you read/write fanfic?: I read a lot of fanfic, but I’m not confident with my writing ability so I don’t write anything. Yet.

Are you the only one in your family/friend group to enjoy them?: Both my mum and my dad claim to be fans. My step dad loves them though, yet every time I bring it up with him when he mentions them he ignores me completely, and its painful. My friends either think they’re overrated (they’ve probably only listened to Hey Jude, All you need is love and Yesterday) or they just don’t care/don’t know who they are. And if anyone I know is interested in them, they just mansplain everything to me so I can’t really enjoy listening to them or talking about them with others irl.

Are you a shipper?: Yeah I am.

Favorite movie starring/made by them?: A Hard Day’s Night.

Do you believe in McLennon?: I believe they were soulmates, definitely.

General opinions on McLennon?: They loved each other, there is no doubt about it. The signs are obvious, like the eye fucking, how they were literally inseparable for years and their LSD trip they had together. I do think it was mostly platonic though, and that any romantic attraction was one sided from John. I think Paul was oblivious to some of John’s feelings for him during the 1960s and that upset him.

If you got to change ONE thing about their history, what would it be and why?: The break up, they hurt each other’s feelings so much from all the suing and fighting they were miserable. I would make sure they ended things more amicably and I’d make sure Allen Klein does not get a look in at all during 1969. Seeing Paul get hurt like that is awful.

What song has the best vocals?: This is a real hard one to answer, but I’d say Twist and Shout, Helter Skelter and Norwegian Wood.

What song do you feel had no effort put into it?: Wild Honey Pie.

What is a well talked about moment in Beatles history you genuinely believe to be false?: Yoko wasn’t fully responsible for the break up the Beatles. I believe it was everyone’s fault to some extent, some more so than others. I think John caused the most damage to the band as a result of him putting in nearly no effort and having Yoko on his shoulder every day. Ringo quitting for two weeks is when I believe things were really starting to fall apart, and they never really recovered from that.

What is something you KNOW to be true, but often gets erased in their history?: John was bisexual, he’s pretty much admitted it as well. It gets dismissed constantly though. All of the Beatles were nice, amicable men who had their flaws and did what they can to become better people. None of them were gods, and none of them were inherently terrible people. John and Yoko’s relationship was toxic and incredibly unhealthy. They weren’t as happy together as the books and the Lennon estate make them out to be.

Least favorite look from a Beatle(s): John’s Sgt Pepper moustache. It just didn’t suit him, but then there was his beard from 1969. The beard looked disgusting and way too messy. I don’t think he made any attempt to keep it clean and that he just didn’t give a fuck about it, he just left it there to get worse and worse each passing day.

Favorite look from a Beatle(s): Shea Stadium, on all of them. But when John’s sweaty and his hair is a mess, he just looks fantastic. I also love the suits all four of them wore in Cincinnati in 1966.

I’ll tag @princessleiaqueen @theliverpoolsoldier @underwallsandbridges and @latinxbeatles and anyone else who wants to do it. Don’t feel like you have to do this, but I love reading everyone’s answers :)

[onepunchmiss]

OPM s2e12 Live Blog

“The Wiping of the Disciple’s Butt”

The season finale. I’m nauseous. Lets begin. 

As always, I’m watching from the perspective of someone who has read the manga and webcomic. 

Right where we left off. Again I love the music. I’m just like, really calm right now actually. hhhhhhhhhhhokay. OOF oh god all the crunching sound effects oh no, this is already so weird watching Garou get his ass handed to him since he’s pretty much curb stomped every other hero in battle thus far, or at the VERY LEAST avoided taking so many hits. This. is so uncomfortable to watch. WOAH ????? THESE SHOTS WERE ONLY THERE FOR A SPLIT SECOND BUT??? HOLY SHIT???

GAROU’S HAIR OH MY GOD 

Oh god oh god Bang is relentless this hurts please stop guys GUYS PLZ  HAS NO ONE REALISED THAT NOT ONE HERO HAS DIED CMON PLZ IT HURTS calm down stop trying to kill him plsplspls OH

THIS 

IS WHY

WE STAN GAROU

HE SAYS FUCK DEATH HOW ABOUT I JUST GET STRONGER INSTEAD QUE EPIC THEME MUSIC

oh god damnit him legit running on all fours right there just looks goofy tho F “preposterous style” Bang you aint lying asdfghjkl really though OH MY GOD EVERYONE IS DRAWN SO BEAUTIFULLY THIS IS SO BLESSED 

WAIT 

NO OPENING THEME???????????????????? WHAT?????????????????????? WHY????????????????????????? ONE, I WANTED TO SEE THE CHIBI OF THE WEEK AND 2 

I WASNT PREPARED FOR MY FAVORITE DOPEY BIRD MAN THE FUCK PHOENIXMAN PLS NO ILY I know people hate him a lot but I just really dig how he feels like a fleshed out character compared to most other monsters, like he’s legit lookit him being all smart and stuff plz I just,,,,,,,,,,,, want to hug dumb fluffy birb ;-;

Woah again I’m being blown away by the animation??? Garou getting smacked around is really fluid and this just looks really cool in general?????

FUCK I CANT DO FLASHBACKS MAN JUST HEARING THE KID VOICE MAKED MY STOMACH LURCH OH NO 

OH NO I SCREAM OH NO I CANT OH NO GIMME 5 MINUTES PLEASE I CANNOT BBY NO I FORGOT ADULT GAROU IS IN THE FLASHBACK WATCHING THIS TIME PLS NO 

LIKE???????? I got kinda a comedic vibe watching him comment on it in the manga but the slow music and shit is just FUKKIN ME UP RIGHT NOW I HATE IT THANKS IT HURTS

oh god his face he has the seething thousand mile stare of quiet rage and its burning a hole STRAIGHT THROUGH MY ENTIRE BEING “But me I was the loner kid. Always gloomy and without friends” STOP. YOU STOP THAT RIGHT THIS INSTANT. IM CRYING AT U RIGHT NOW STOP

NO DONT HOLD HIM LET HIM GO S T O P OR SO HELP ME i can’t watch this what the fuck “I was always the loser” SHIT this legitimately hurts me “I dont want to be the monster anymore” GArou hey did you hear that part?? hEY GAROU DID YOU HEAR YOURSELF THERE??? 

WHAT DID I SAY WHAT THE F DID I JUST SAY STOP HOLDING HIM STOP STOPPIT  THE HELL MAN What if……….. I just go BACK IN TIME AND ADOPT BB GAROU CAN I DO THAT IS THIS POSSIBLE IS THIS ALLOWED ? ?? ?

oh my god it keeps getting worse. I mean. I already knew garou was being disproportionately reprimanded for what he supposedly did, but watching this scene just fucking kicked me in the teeth. As if my stomach wasn’t already in knots. The fuck . why does this hurt so much more watching than reading the frustration in seeping into me ffffff.

This looks really cool but, i can barely focus on that because im pretty much being exsanguinated on the floor over here by this whole sequence look at him crying. do it for me cause I sure as hell can’t 

“I want to strike a blow for the little guy”

Fukkin GETTEM GO GETTEM 

HOLY SHIT HIS VA IS GOING T F OFF 

AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH LOOKIT HIM ILY SO MUCH SAVE THE DAY BIRB SAVE 

ASDFGHJKL THIS IS SO INTENSE EVERYONE IS SO INTENSE I KNOW WHAT HAPPENS BUT HOLY SHIT FUCK IM SCREAMING GAROU IS SCREAMING BANG AND BOMB SCREAMING GENOS AND EVEN PHOENIXMAN EVEN THE MUSIC IS SCREAM WE ALL JUST SC R E M

OH MY GOD AND THE LITTLE HEAD NOT GENOS AND BANG GIVE EACHOTHER SAVING THE HEROES OH MY GOD OH FUCK AND THE WAY THEY ANIMATE BANG JUMPING AROUND IS DOPE AS HELL AND ALSO HOLY SHIT ELDER CENTIPEDE I MISSED THE UNSETTLING SMOOTH CG LIKE ANIMATION FOR THE CENTIPEDES EVERY CELL IN MY BODY IS JUST SCREAMING RN I AM OVERLOAD HELP 

Garou flailing in the air in Phoenixman’s grip is … really adorable oh my god. “It’s your fault for not finishing them” ooooooo that shut him up didn’t it oof. Also nice cameo by Tatsumaki there 

ASDFGHJKL THE MUSIC AGAIN I LOVE IT I LOVE THEM LOOK AT THEM OH MY GOD 

THIS IS SO BAD ASS

EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS IS SO BADASS

Genos’s eye static, The brother’s fists swirling, THE FUKKIN CARAPACE SHATTERING 

THIS FIGHT IS SO WILD MY COMPUTER CANT EVEN TAKE IT. ITS GLITCHING AND FREEZING UP HOLY SHIT

oh god ok the face coming out of the face was pure nightmare fuel alright then

WAIT

I FORGOT GENOS IS A SELF SACRIFICING DUMBASS. NO IM NOT READY GENOS YOU DOOF LISTEN TO KUSENO LISTEN TO HIM 

oh no 

oh no

im crying oh no

this animation is beautiful first of all and the music like im just here this is where I’m at and I’m crying oh no 

He’s an angel. A literal angel. Look at that and tell me he doesn’t look like a fucking angel in the sky with the rays of light casting shadows around him. 

Genos you are too good and pure for this world but that DOESNT MEAN TRY TO GET YOURSELF KILLED 

Shit they really made it look like he was gonna self destruct there for a second which MADE HIS LAST STAND EVEN MORE INTENSE OH MY GOD SWEETHEART Y’all ever get into a show because you keep seeing one character that catches your interest, and you keep seeing them pop up on your dash or wherever until you finally decide ‘well fuckit, this is the asshole that’s gonna get me to finally watch the show’, cause you’re already invested in them anyway? Genos did that for me with OPM. If this fool didn’t exist Who knows how long it would’ve taken me to get to watching OPM, if ever. And shit like this is why I STILL love him. I usually move on to new faves 90% of the time but nope. Genos earned his spot and is keeping it. Look at this insane shit. My heart. Uhg

Enough gushing asdfghjkl ok but Genos, you just went INTO THE DAMNED THING’s STOMACH,,,,, and you’re SURPRISED that there’s STOMACH ACID?? But real talk. What the EVERLONG FUCK is that thing’s insides made out of? How did it NOT DIE. the FuCK

asdfghjkl Phoenixman’s chuckle???? I love 

Oh Bang no, this is wrenching my heart like I know that he doesn’t actually use his power but its built up so intensely like,,, would he be ok if he did??? and actually more concerningly since it even WAS brought up that he has some hidden true strength, will we EVER get to see that??? Oh Shit well when they word it as “All the power left to me in this life” then yeah, that seems pretty life or death ish???? THE FUCK 

Oh thank god comedic relief is here I feel like i’m about to have a heart attack my chest is so tight hhhhhh ok breathe WAIT THIS ISNT COMEDIC THIS IS BADASS AS HELL JEEZUS witht he flashbacks to the Saitama encounter and THIS LOOK

The Anime is really fucking with the audience huh??? Making it look like KIngs about to throw hands like???????????? OH SHIT AND THIS MUSIC IS DOPE AS HELL TOO IM JUST laughing I have so much excessive energy right now???

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHZAHAHHHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAASDFGHJKLJHGFDSWERTGYHUIUJHGFDFGHJKJHGFRE THE FUKKIN SONG THEY BROUGHT IT BACK THE ULTIMATE SONG I GOT THREE NOTES IN JUST THREE NOTES AND I KNOW IM SCREAMING I GOTTA GO RUN BRB 

IM STILL SCREAMING FADFJSAGFJDSLKAHVFSKLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA OUR MAIN MAN THERE HE IS THERE HE IS IM GONNA THROW UP 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAEIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

OH MY FUCK THATS WHAT THE OPENING SEQUENCE EXPLOSION WAS FROM OH GOD OH FUCK BEAUTIFUL THIS IS BEAUTIFUL OH FUCK OH GOD 

The REPRISE oh no oh NO OH NO OH NO NO ITS NOT OVER im not ready its not I cant no no no i dont want to press play cause if I press play it will end soon no no no Oh my god and at the end there isnt gonna be a title card for the next episode because THERE IS NO NEXT EPISODE no non o nonononon on on on ono no no no 

NO 

HEY IVE BEEN RIPPED OFF. WHERES THE FACE WITH HIS HAIR BLOWN BACK??? ASDFJKL fine I cant even be mad everything else was tooo  ofdbghjfshkggfhsjgbfhjka

KING WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT REACTION ASDFGHJKL W H A T 

WAIT THEY ARE DOING THE OPENING THEME AT THE END NO I CANT HANDLE SEEING EVERYOONE NOW OF ALL TIMES GOD DAMNIT WHY ok yknow what. I knew it would be king. I dont know how but i did 

Wha

wh

fkin cliffhanger no please no 

I.. I’m kind of at a loss for words. I’m. That’s it, huh? It’s really over. It doesn’t FEEL over. There’s so much unfinished business. Well, the only way to really neatly wrap everything up as neatly as S1 did would have been to get ALL THE WAY through the Garou arc, which obviously wasn’t going to happen, but this is not a great spot to leave off if we’re going to endure another few years hiatus. My hope is that, with biweekley manga updates, we should wrap up the Monster Association/Garou stuff (assuming it doesn’t diverge from the web comic too much) some time next year, and I’m HOPING that s3 is already being planned accordingly along side manga publications. So MAYBE it will at least be announced around that time 2020. That’s my wishful thinking at least. I don’t think I can survive 3 years. anyway

You could really tell JC Staff poured their hearts and souls into these last 2 episodes. Absolutely gorgeous, paced well, so completely satisfying and making every second of s2 worth while. For me, at least. I’ve already seen people still complaining and I’m just sorry they didn’t have as much fun as I did. 

Seriously, thank each and every one of you guys. This has been a wild ride, I’ve barely had this blog a few weeks before season 2 started airing (and honestly just got into opm maybe a month before that?), so I owe a lot of the success on the blog to the anime I bet. This was the first series I’ve never tried live bogging, and I honestly can’t believe that they were as popular as they were? Especially since I never have any idea what I’m doing but yall listen to me ramble anyway?? Yall are crazy thank you so so so much. Now my tuesdays are gonna feel really empty… next week is gonna be weird as hell. Though I’m gonna get mad nostalgic good vibes rewatching this season in the future in no small part from sharing my experience with everyone who's stuck around. I can’t say see yall next week this time, but, see you next season whenever it may be for sure.

[lagilagiaulll]

Tulisan pertama tentang asmara gua yang complicated,

Dua tahun perjalanan

Gua awalnya gapernah percaya sama ramalan zodiak dan tetekbengeknya, kesannya kayak kuno dan apa banget sih, ini 2018 loh, masih aja. Oke skip.

Di 2018 ini gua memulai kisah cinta yang memilukan sepanjang 18 tahun gua hidup, kisah yang paling membekas sampai sekarang. So, panggil aja lelaki ini Andi.

         Awal tahun 2018 adalah masa dimana gua dipertemukan sama dia, gua cinlok, di minimarket deket kerjaan gua. Simple sih tapi cukup manis, gua sering beli kuota disana dan lagi lagi yang melayani gua adalah Andi, mungkin udah gak keitung gua isi kuota disana berapa kali. Sampai akhirnya, gua di Whatsapp sama nomer yang dpnya ternyata mas mas indomaret yang super ganteng, yang sering layanin gua beli kuota. Dan pas gua tanya, ternyata selama gua ngisi kuota disana, si mas ini menghafal satu persatu nomer XL gua yang 12 digit. Disini posisinya gua baru 2 bulan pegat sama mantan gua yang pertama, Rangga, yaa masih ada galau galau dikit apalagi belum lama Rangga ngajak gua nonton dilan keluaran pertama di 2018 itu. Gua baper dan bimbang, sedikit sih.

Si mas minimarket alias Andi ini, orangnya lucu, gokil, bercandaanya nyambung sama gua dan super pengertian. Awalnya gua biasa aja, mindset gua mengatakan  “ah paling sama kaya yang udah – udah”. Gua super cuek dan gak interest. Tapi si mas ini gak nyerah, hari demi hari, minggu demi minggu, sampai akhirnya berbulan bulan sudah gua melalui hari tanpa sedikitpun tidak ada peran Andi disana. Iya, dia selalu ada tanpa gua minta. Akhirnya gua luluh, dan gua jatuh tanpa gua sadari, pertanyaan - pertanyaan kecil dari Andi menjadi hal yang paling menyejukkan karena artinya dia peduli. Intinya, gua sayang.

Waktu membawa hubungan kita menjadi lebih intens dan jauh. Gua kenal keluarganya, keponakannya, sampai uwanya. Literally, semua. Gua deket sama nyokapnya, sampe pernah video call, nanyain kabar, dsb. Disini bener – bener merasa kalo si Mas ini adalah orang yang selama ini gua cari, orang yang sepertinya pantas untuk gua dampingi disegala keadaan. Apalagi ngeliat hubungan gua yang cukup kuat saat itu, kita emang gapernah lepas dari berantem – berantem  kecil tapi hal itu yang bikin gua sama Andi bisa introspeksi dan menjalani semua dengan lebih baik lagi.

Saat itu gua murni hanya pekerja Part Time sebuah restoran, belum kuliah kayak sekarang. So, waktu free gua cukup banyak. Setiap gua libur, gua selalu sempetin main kerumahnya, sekedar ngobrol sama dia, nyokapnya dan uwanya. Atau maen plants vs zombie, maen ludo, ataauuu nonton tipi doang wkwk. Gua gapernah muluk muluk harus nonton ini itu, makan disini disitu, karena yang gua pengin cuma kehadiran dia, itu udah bikin gua tenang banget. Andi mampu beliin apapun yang gua mau, tapi gua gak butuh. Dia, udah cukup.

Semua berjalan manis, sampai akhirnya dia ngajak gua nikah. Gua terbang, seneng bukan main, gua merasa bentar lagi bakal dijemput raja gua untuk melengkapi singgasana di istananya. Berhari – hari setelah dia menyatakan itu gua bahagia sekaligus galau. Galau karena gua masih terlalu muda untuk sebuah pernikahan, belum banyak pengalaman, dan finansial gua belum stabil. Beda sama Andi yang udah punya kerjaan dengan gaji lumayan, ditambah umur dia saat itu udah 22, udah cukup untuk pernikahan. Gua yang tadinya gapercaya pisces dan scorpio serasi, kali ini gua setuju deh

Gua gak terlalu berharap sama apa yang dia katakan, bisa aja cuma gombal gembel biasa. Tapi, setelah lebaran saat itu, gua dikenalin ke keluarga besarnya, bener – bener gua kaget dan seneng karena gua ngerasa Andi gak main – main sama perkataanya yang ngajak gua nikah. Gua dikenalin disana sebagai “calon”.

 Mati gak lu.

 Beberapa hari setelah perkenalan gua dan keluarganya, kali ini gentian gua yang berniat ngenalin Andi ke ayah dan ibu, deg – degan sekaligus excited. Tapi entah kenapa gua ngerasa selalu ada halangan ketika Andi mau kesini, entah gua yang ketiduran tiba – tiba, atau gua yang lagi pergi, banyak deh, yang akhirnya gua gajadi ngenalin dia. Disini udah kayak ada sinyal dari Tuhan kalo Dia tidak mengizinkan pernikahan ini terjadi.

Gua inget banget 3 minggu setelah perkenalan keluarga itu Andi mulai aneh dan cuek, dia berubah jadi dingin. Gua gatau kenapa, berhari hari gua sakit hati karena merasa gak dihargai lagi, gua gakuat, dan gua memutuskan untuk cari tau sendiri apa penyebab Andi jadi begini. Dan surprisingly, dia selingkuh.

Saat itu gua memutuskan untuk kerumah tanpa setau dia, gua maksa pengen liat hp dia, selama gua berhubungan, baru kali ini gua gapercaya sama isi chatting Whatsapp dia, gua ambil hpnya dan baru kali ini juga dia marah karena gua megang hpnya. Gua liat dia buka lockscreen pake fingerprint, dan wallpapernya adalah wanita lain, gua gatau siapa, dan dia bener – bener gak anggep gua ada, dia malah vcall sama cewe depan muka gua. Gua nangis sejadi – jadinya, ngerasa diinjek banget sama laki – laki ini. Akhirnya, gua putusin. Gua gakuat kaya gini.

 Gua drop, kesehatan gua menurun, berat badan juga turun 5kg, gua sakit maag kronis. Gua sedih dan depresi, makan aja kalo inget doang, gua mikir gimana bisa orang sejahat itu. Gua masih anggep itu mimpi yang jangan sampe deh kejadian. Gua gabisa nerima ini semua. Intinya, gua patah, sepatah – patahnya. Gua kehilangan arah, lost dan menolak untuk bangkit. Sedihnya gabisa gua ungkapin pake kata – kata.

Dua bulan gua kaya orang stress, gua upload hal tentang kebersamaan kita dulu cuma buat ngasi tau orang kalo hubungan gua baik – baik aja. Padahal gua gak seharusnya gitu, gak seharusnya gua membohongi realita kalo sebenernya relationship gua udah ancur berkeping. Kekurangan gua adalah gabisa gak peduli, itu yang bikin batin gua kesiksa. Kenapa gua gabisa bodoamatan sih, kesel.

Gaada yang namanya orang menikmati patah hati, gaada. Selama itu gua berusaha sekuat mungkin untuk menerima apa yang udah terjadi. Meskipun berkali – kali hati gua minta Andi kembali. Gua tersika disetiap step move on yang sucks ini. Pertama kalinya gua merasa krisis kepercayaan diri yang begitu parah, merasa tak cukup baik untuk seseorang hingga akhirnya gua ditinggal dan ia memilih yang lain. This is more than hurt.

Walaupun menyiksa, usaha gua kian hari kian baik, gua memutuskan untuk kuliah, meluaskan circle pergaulan, dan get up dari keterpurukan. Gua kuliah bukan semata mata cari ilmu, tapi kesibukan, temen baru, dan ketika lulus nanti gua mau bekerja dengan layak, tentunya membanggakan ayah dan ibu. Dititik ini gua sadar kalo hidup gua terlalu singkat untuk mikirin satu orang, diluar sana masih banyak hal yang bisa gua raih dan bikin gua jadi orang berguna.

Gua berhasil move on, di awal November 2018.

Good job, aul.

And see u again asshole

Nama dia udah menjadi asing, nama dia udah gabikin hati gua bergetar seakan akan menampar gua kembali pada masa “itu”, chapter andi, sudah tamat.

           Gua sebenernya trauma, dan masih ingin menikmati kesendirian. Gua kuliah bener – bener gaada kepikiran buat jalanin relationship, yaa gua mau belajar yang bener, mau jadi mahasiswa teladan. Tapi garis kisah gua berkata lain, gua ternyata jatuh hati sama seseorang, yang sama sekali gapernah gua sangka. Dia beda, sangat beda. Gua menjalani relationship yang lumayan lama, tapi lagi – lagi gua udahan, dengan alasan yang gapernah gua ngerti. Candaanya selalu bikin gua semangat. Dan kata – kata bijaknya, he’s probably my everything. And I miss him

         Hal – hal tentang dia gua post di postingan postingan sebelumnya,

Hati gua tergores kembali, di awal 2019. Di postingan ini yang ingin gua highlight adalah menegaskan kalo apa yang bukan ditakdirkan untuk kita, sekuat apapun kita menjaga, bakal ilang juga. Dan dulu temen gua pernah bilang;

“Sebaik apapun kita mencintai, manusia terlalu pandai untuk mengingkari, maka cintai tanpa berharap ia akan membalas sebaik itu”

Bener sih, make sense.

Hari ini dan mulai detik ini,  gua pengen fokus sama pengembangan diri. Gua mau jadi perempuan mandiri, tangguh, financial independent dan tentunya well educated. Meskipun kadang gua suka kangen sama yang ono. Tapi gua tepis. Gua seperti kehilangan selera untuk mencintai seseorang, untuk memulai dari awal dan sebagainya. Gua capek. Gua sadar kalo mencari pasangan tuh gak gampang, gabisa sekedar suka sama suka, atau sekedar punya hobi yang sama, atau sekedar suka bau kentut pasangan. Tapi ke sosok yang bisa menghargai apapun, pandai bersyukur dan yang penting adalah keterbukaan. Komunikasi dan efforts.

Buat kamu,

hope youre doing good out there,

Xoxo,

Paul.

  2:13 AM

4/23/19

[leightum]

“The regret of my life is that I have not said 'I love you' often enough.” Yoko Ono 

 ok …venting time: 

Where do I begin?  Well the theme for these photos are “I wish I had a better relationship with these people.” 

My sisters. I talk to one, once in a while, and she’ll probably see this but this is not a call out post. My other sister, I don’t talk to. I wish I did, she has me blocked on social medias though so I take that as a sign that she doesn’t want to talk. I love my sisters even if we’re so far apart in age while they’re so close; I constantly wish we had a better relationship, which is why I'm so attached to relationships like Kara and Alex or Oliver and Thea. I want that. I wish there wasn’t such a rift between us. I’m sorry I couldn’t be better and I’m sorry I disconnected us but I’m not sorry for putting myself first and saving myself from the toxicity that I grew up with, because you guys really truly had a different dad than I did. 

My dad. I would say the source of all my problems but it takes two to tango. There’s a song I listen to when I get down that I don’t have a relationship with my dad it’s called Perfect by Simple Plan: “Hey dad, look at me, think back and talk to me . . . It hurts when you disapprove all along . . . I’m never gonna be good enough for you . . . I’m sorry I can’t be perfect.” My dad is an alcoholic and my entire life has been filled with his disease. I almost failed 6th grade because I was so worried about him I wouldn’t go to school or focus if I did. I had to do a lot for myself as a kid, which I think, is why people are so surprised to find out my age??? I had to grow up fast. My happiest memories are us fishing together in Oregon, he never drank in Oregon, those 2 weeks of summer were the happiest of my life. I always had his back and looked out for him and I was just so disappointed whenever he fell off the wagon or got blackout drunk and did things he wouldn’t remember the next day. I miss my summertime dad and I miss my basketball coach and my softball coach and my friend. I’d do just about anything to go back in time and change certain events but I cant and we both need to live with that. 

Myself. I have no clue who I am or what I want to do. I do drugs, I drink, I get stupid tattoos, I self harm in various ways. Younger me would be disappointed. I don’t want to be this person. I wanna be better. I want to stop hating myself and then not dealing with my issues outside of medication. Therapy helps; I’ve been validated a lot since going there recently. I’ve been in therapy since I was 7 or 9 and only recently has it actually benefitted me. I miss being a happy carefree kid. I have so much going for me in my life and I basically just take it and throw it down the drain, which is ridiculous, and I’m stopping that behavior. I’m going to church again and I’m looking for a sense of purpose. God, if real, put me through everything for a reason and that reason is not to play the victim for the rest of my life. I need to own up to things and stand up for myself and that’s what I’m going to do. I’m going to build a better relationship with myself and then maybe I can build a relationship with the rest of my paternal family.